


The Worst Pit Stop Ever

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Car Sex, F/M, Humanstuck, i think i'm hilarious, it's exactly what it sounds like., it's meant to be funny but they manage to frick i promise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-10
Updated: 2014-03-10
Packaged: 2018-01-15 06:53:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1295581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A few minutes pass in silence before you feel her fingers on your inner thigh, even closer to being a risky distraction than before. You grit your teeth. "<i>Terezi</i>."</p><p>"Hm?" She raises an eyebrow at you innocently, her hand inching upward, but the way her lips twitch tells you that she knows damn well what she's doing.</p><p>You frown irritably at her in response. "I'm trying to drive, and you're centimeters away from grabbing my dick. Do you see the problem here?"</p><p>She grins. "Well, I've been told my eyesight isn't all that great."</p><p>---</p><p>Do you have any idea how hard it is to have sex in the back of a car? Well, me neither, but it sure as hell doesn't sound easy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Worst Pit Stop Ever

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AceSparkleGirl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AceSparkleGirl/gifts).



> don't even try to tell me karkat and terezi wouldn't do the frick-frack on every available surface i will fight you on this
> 
> i swear this wasn't my idea, haley gave me the prompt and i just kind of. agreed to write it. because i'm garbage. sex in the back of a car wouldn't be comfortable at all but they do it anyway because they can't keep their hands off each other ehehehe

It's one thing to enjoy living dangerously, but your wife takes it to an uncomfortably literal level. You've learned to fear the words "I want to try something new!" because her crazy idea of a good time often leaves you on the verge of a heart attack, while she laughs at you and tells you to lighten up. 

She has a tendency to make snap decisions, and once she's got her heart set on something there's no way to keep her from doing what she wants. You're either with her or you're not, and in the end you become so concerned for her safety that you end up going along with whatever ridiculous plans she manages to come up with. 

The worst part about this is the fact that she knows you're a pushover when it comes to her. After giving in to her whims enough times, her curiosity predictably went from inane non-sexual activities to embarrassing bedroom antics. At this point, you can't even call them that anymore, as you're fairly certain you've had sex on every piece of furniture in your house at least once. 

Taking this into consideration, it should have been inevitable that eventually she'd be inclined to take it outside your home. 

The two of you rarely ever plan to have sex; it usually just happens. Getting each other aroused isn't a big deal when you're at home and there's no one else around, but when you're in public, her lack of discretion or subtlety becomes a problem. 

The closest you'd ever come to doing it outside the house was at the law office where she worked. You'd come to visit her and one thing had led to another, but you were only down to half your clothing and were making out on her desk when you were interrupted by a knock at the door. The call for her had ended up being too important for her to simply disregard, so you'd had to hurriedly dress yourselves before she let her secretary in, and you'd excused yourself quickly to use the bathroom. Following that fiasco, you'd spurned her advances when you were around other people, reminding her that you already make a big enough idiot of yourself without her giving you a boner to top off your total lack of dignity.

Though that hadn't necessarily stopped her, it had made those little "accidental" touches and teases fewer and farther between. Of course, you'd been trying so hard to prepare yourself for fake accidents that it hadn't occurred to you that _real_ accidents could happen.

Naturally, it's in one of the worst possible situations to be sexually aroused: behind the wheel of a car. She'd been reaching to grab the water bottle in the cupholder next to your seat and had missed the mark by several inches, since her vision is terrible. Her hand had instead ended up on your thigh, almost coincidentally close to your crotch-- which brought you to your current predicament.

You tense, your grip on the steering wheel tightening. "Terezi, that's my leg."

Her expression shifts from confusion to amusement. "Heh, whoops. Sorry." She gives you a pat before pulling her hand away.

You glare at her out of the corner of your eye, then redirect your focus back to the road, where it belongs. 

A few minutes pass in silence before you feel her fingers on your inner thigh, even closer to being a risky distraction than before. You grit your teeth. " _Terezi_."

"Hm?" She raises an eyebrow at you innocently, her hand inching upward, but the way her lips twitch tells you that she knows damn well what she's doing.

You frown irritably at her in response. "I'm trying to drive, and you're centimeters away from grabbing my dick. Do you see the problem here?"

She grins. "Well, I've been told my eyesight isn't all that great."

"Oh, you're hilarious. And I bet it'll be even more hilarious when I get into an accident and we die and it's _your_ fault."

She leans a bit closer, her voice a low purr. "We won't get into an accident if we pull over." Her fingers brush over the fly of your jeans and it takes every ounce of your self-control to pretend that you don't notice.

"And what if I don't feel like pulling over? What if I'd rather just wait the fifteen minutes it'll take to get home?"

"What if I don't feel like waiting that long? I've already gotten you hot and bothered enough," she counters. "Who knows how much longer it'll take you to get in the mood if we pass up this opportunity?"

You scowl. "You know what I'm not in the mood for? Getting mistaken for a couple of teenagers by any passing cops. That would take a hell of a lot more patience than either of us have."

"Karkat. We're on a relatively empty highway in the middle of the evening." Persistent as ever, she presses her hand into your lap more firmly, which causes you to curse and nearly swerve into the wrong lane. 

"Just for that," you seethe angrily, "I have absolutely _no_ desire to touch you intimately at the moment."

"That's not going to be comfortable for either of us," she huffs, her thumb tracing the zipper of your pants. 

"I don't care."

"Yes, you do."

"No, I don't."

"You do, but you don't want to give me the satisfaction of hearing you admit that because you're mad at me."

"Oh my flipping Christ, _shut the hell up_."

" _Make me_." Her challenge is accompanied by a squeeze. 

You don't remember the last time you hated her or wanted her this much. You're completely aware that this is just a game to her and she's winning and she knows it. Why else would she use what might be the most clichéd sexual tension-inducing phrase ever? You no longer care; you just need an excuse to wipe that disgustingly beautiful smirk off of her face.

She lets out a startled squeak as you veer sharply to the right, pulling off of the road and slamming on the brakes in the wide, empty stretch of land alongside the highway. This forces her to let go of you and hold onto the sides of her seat to prevent herself from flying forward as the car screeches to a halt. 

Looking slightly rattled, she blinks over at you in surprise, clearly not having expected your reaction to be so sudden and reckless. You ignore her stare as you yank the keys from the ignition and step out of the car, shutting the door behind you. 

Aware that she probably can't see you well enough to know exactly what you're doing, you stomp around to the passenger's side and throw open the door. Her eyes widen noticeably when you lean in and unbuckle her seatbelt, then she lets out a squeal as you grab her by the waist and haul her out. You lift her over your shoulder, keeping an arm around her as you use the other one to nudge her door closed and open the one to the backseat.

You don't make much of an effort to be gentle as you stoop to climb into the back of the car with her, practically tossing her onto the seat and tugging the door shut behind you before crawling on top of her. 

She snickers up at you, her hands coming to rest on your shoulders. "Changed your mind, hm?"

"Shut _up_ ," you growl, grabbing the side of her face and pulling her into a rough kiss. She pushes back with the same amount of ferocity, nipping at your lips and awkwardly bringing a leg up to hook around your waist. 

Your car isn't incredibly spacious. There's not even enough room for her to lay down fully, so she has to prop herself up on her elbows. The two of you combined can barely fit, and you have to hover above her, balancing on your forearms and knees and leaning down as you two clumsily fumble around and try to touch each other. 

After a minute or so of uncoordinated grabbing and shuffling around, you're able to pull her close enough to press together and finally create some friction. Her legs lock over your hips and she rolls hers up eagerly, emitting soft, breathless giggles and moans. You run your hands down her sides, then move to slide her skirt up and out of the way, continuing to give harsh and frustrated grinds into the warmth between her thighs. 

She laughs again when you bend down to run your teeth across her pulse and nibble at her soft skin, squirming in your grip as her fingers curl more tightly into the fabric of your jacket. The more she rubs against you, the harder you bite and the more vocal she gets. It eventually becomes mildly uncomfortable as her heels start to dig into your lower back and you rock down harder, then she accidentally leans back and bumps her head on the door.

"Ow," she chuckles, wriggling her hips to shift her lower body into your lap more fully.

You groan, "This is so stupid, what made you think this was a good idea?"

"Don't be ridiculous, sex with you is always a good idea," she asserts with a wink.

"Not if there's no room to actually do it!"

"Hey, it wasn't my idea to do this in the back of your car," she argues.

You roll your eyes and scoff. "We're on the side of an empty highway, where did you assume we'd have room for it?"

"Well, we could always take this outside, if you'd rather have more space."

"Hell no. Damn it, I wish I knew where the nearest gas station was."

She bucks her hips at you in annoyance. "God, just stop complaining already! If it's such a big hassle then you should go ahead and get it over with!" 

You give her side a light pinch. "You know I didn't mean it like that."

She pouts up at you stubbornly, so you slip one hand down between you and into her underwear to gently palm her. Her eyes close and she relaxes again with a shudder, grumbling under her breath about how much of an ass you are as she willingly contorts in her position to help you remove the article. 

You tell her that you know as you let go of her to liberate yourself from your pants. They end up bunched around your knees as you decide it isn't worth the effort to try and shimmy all the way out of them. When you look down at her again she's waiting expectantly, leaning back in the seat and expressing her readiness. 

Without any further delay, you grab her hips and tug her onto you, giving a hard roll up into her. She moans shakily and immediately responds with her own downward movement, her legs wrapping around you again. One of her arms stiffly tries to keep her balanced, while the other clutches at you to pull you closer. 

For a while, you continue to grip her hips as you rock at a quick and even pace and she pushes forward to meet you with heavy, labored breaths. After she starts struggling a bit to keep up, you move a hand to cup her rear and steady her. Your other arm loops around her shoulders and holds her up to keep her head from hitting the sides of the car as she bounces underneath you.

At first, you're torn between your anxiety and lust. There's the worry that someone will see you nagging at the corners of your conscious mind, along with the more pressing reminder how uncomfortable it is to have sex in such a cramped spot in the first place. This nervousness makes you want to finish quickly so that you can get back home and forget this ever happened.

Then your brain is pulled back to her by the way she arches and clings to you and gasps your name, issuing soft words of gratitude with it. She's gorgeous even and especially she sweats and strains and sighs, a perfect mess in your arms. You wish again that you could tear away the remainder of her clothing and touch every inch of her and make love to her properly, but you're in too deep to stop now and you can only take what she's given you.

You hate how easily she picks you apart with bursts of affection and makes you love her as much as you loathe her. 

Eventually, your inhibitions begin to melt and the discomfort of your situation fades with every heated thrust and semi-failed attempt to kiss each other. All you can do is lean into her and let your grunts and groans mix in the stifling air of the car's confines as you crash together. It gets more difficult to maintain your rhythm as the temperature gradually rises and your ability to sustain rational thought decreases.

She offers you a quivering smile and jokingly tells you not to worry, she'll be done soon. You snort, trying not to smile back, and reply by speeding up for her, which causes her to let out a choked cry of surprise and scrabble for a better hold on you. It doesn't take long for you to bring her to her finish with a delighted keen, trembling and clenching around you. 

Your release follows hers unexpectedly soon just as your thighs start to ache and fatigue slowly starts to set in. You jerk up suddenly, accidentally hitting your head on the ceiling and squeezing her against you harder with a shout of pain. You hear a yelp and feel her squirm, but you keep your eyes screwed shut until the dull throbbing ebbs and you're able to think clearly again. 

When you glance down at her, she has a hand over her mouth, but her shaking shoulders betray the fact that she's trying not to laugh. "Holy shit, are you okay?"

"No." You shuffle away from her to sit up and readjust your pants. "Now I have a headache, and it's all your fault. We're never doing this again."

"What," she scoffs, "the sex in general or the car sex?"

"The fuck do you think?"

She cackles as she slips back into her underwear and smooths out her clothing, visibly tired and satisfied. "Just making sure. You're such a baby sometimes." 

"I hate you," you huff dryly, not bothering to conceal your resentment. "So much, you have no idea."

"Love you too, asshole."

You think she must have drained you to the point where don't even have the energy to bicker anymore-- which means that you've definitely had quite enough of her "fun" for one day.

**Author's Note:**

> wow i didn't even notice i forgot to add the humanstuck tag until like 5 months later when someone mentioned it. aren't i just so smart


End file.
